trying to look busy..

hey,

i’m currently at work, super bored. like always. just wanted to hop on and say hey. i have 2 hrs left of work so i’m just trying to kill time. i usually kill time by online window shopping but i feel like i’ve scrolled through every possible category on every store website i’m interested in. you can imagine my excitement when i get emails introducing “new arrivals.”

funny how i start typing on here and two people decide they want to walk up to my desk. 🙂

anyways, tomorrow is finally friday and then we get a three day weekend. an extra day of me staying home and doing absolutely nothing.

it’s always times like this when i realize how boring my life is. there’s no excitement. no adventure. no fun. nothing going on. the most exciting thing i experience is when my amazon packages come in the mail. sad, i know.

i always reassure myself that my life won’t be like this forever, it just sucks for right now. i’m only 20 years old, there’s so much my future is holds for me but like i said, it just sucks for right now. 

one day i’ll be out traveling the world with my best friend and trying all kinds of foods. i’ll be a full-time youtuber and spreading nothing by joy and positivity. speaking of which, i’ve been wanting to make a post about my youtube channel but that means i would expose myself completely on here. i kind of like keeping my identity a secret, it gives me some sort of edge. but who knows, i’ll probably give in eventually.

well that’s it for now, don’t wanna bore you too much.

remember, it only sucks for right now 🙂

thanks for letting me vomit all over you! xx

2019

hello (to my 7 followers) haha.

i created this account 2 years ago.. i wrote a couple times and then i just forgot about it. well i’m back. so much has happened since my last post.

• i’ve moved into my own place with my best friend
• i got a job 
• i graduated high school
• im went vegan

and so much more has happened. most importantly i’m in a better place with myself mentally. i started up this blog because i wanted it to be my escape, an escape from the dump that was my mind and my life. not saying my life is perfect now but it’s a lot better. anyways, i’m actually at work right now, i have no work to do right now and i remembered i had this blog. expect a lot more posts, as this situation happens a lot at work. thanks for listening to my word vomit! 🙂

CRASHED

so.. I experienced my first car crash yesterday. I won’t go into the details because that is all I have been thinking about all day and yesterday.

yes, I was the one responsible for the collision. It was not too bad, but it also was not my car. Which actually made this small collision worse.

After the collision my entire body has been rained over with guilt since yesterday night. I feel like the worst person on this planet and I cannot help but feel nervous all the time. My ribs and lower back have been killing me but I will not complain because I deserved this. I just cannot stop thinking about it, and no one was mad at me everyone keeps saying as long as we are ok, everything is fine, but I can’t help but think that my well being doesn’t matter at this moment. I feel embarrassed and hopeless. I feel like I probably will never want to get behind a wheel ever again.

I CRASHED A CAR THAT WAS NOT MINE, FOR GOD SAKE!

I have never felt so much guilt in my life, I feel like it’s not okay.. I need  to do something about this but I don’t know what.

The car has been fixed now, that doesn’t make me feel better. No one is mad at me and I can’t handle this guilt. It’s actually eating me alive. I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping for the next month. As if I already had a hard time leaving my house, this has made it worse.

to add on, I will be receiving a ticket for no license and I have absolutely no money. My mind has never raced this fast it even makes me feel dizzy. My only comfort is sleep right now and I can’t even do that because my stomach starts to hurt.

I wish I could go back in time and change everything that happened but I am also a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason”

i just don’t know what that reason is yet. 

 

thanks for letting me nervously vomit all over you.

 

x

Night Time Thoughts

I’m sure we all experience these moments before bed, where we just lay here and think. We lay here and think of things that have happened or that haven’t even happened. You kind of just lay there, motionless. No expression on your face, you’re just looking at the ceiling. Your breath is steady, your body is at peace. Meanwhile, your mind is hectic. One minute you’re thinking about that cat video you saw on Twitter earlier, the next you’re thinking of something that happened years ago. I always wonder why it’s always before bed. Why now? My body is trying to wind down and I’m trying to catch some zzz’s. But instead, I’m thinking of that time in middle school, when I fell in gym class and sprained my ankle. 

Aside from remembering things from years ago. My mind likes to wonder off into these unrealistic thoughts, I guess you can call them. They’re like senerios that I create in my head and I like to play them out in my head because that’s the closest I’m getting to actually being able to live out that “fantasy.” It doesn’t always have to be about a person, sometimes it’s simply about what my dream house would look like and me walking around in it. Sometimes it’s about a puppy and how nice it would be to have an indoor puppy. 

These thoughts can keep me up for hours until my brain is tired of thinking. Until my eyes are too heavy to keep open and I have reached a certain point of comfort within my sheets. Nothing can beat the feeling of falling asleep in the most comfortable position while your mind is at peace. 

I really needed to get this out because I am currently having trouble sleeping. Any night time remedies that you recommend??? Anything helps 🙂 

Thanks for letting me vomit all over you. 
x 

High School

So I am finally on my last year of high school. Most students would be excited about this, but I am not. Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of getting this over with. I just have a lot to do before it is done. People say that your high school years are the best years of your life.

  “You’re going to miss it when you graduate.”

I think that is a load of poo. You see, I started off high school by going to a public school where I saw most of the people I went to middle school with. That was strangely comforting, but my first year was still terrifying. I mean, who’s wasn’t? My second year in high school was not too bad, but if you ask me.. I hated every second of it. I just really hate school. 

The thing is, I was never bullied, fortunately. I had friends, my grades were decent, and I minded my own business. It was the small things that happened during the school day that really made it difficult for me. 

• Presenting in class 

Maaaan, did this really make me want to vomit (not word vomit, actual vomit) all over the front row. 

• Gym class

This class was a task on it’s own. I know, you’re probably thinking, “wow, she must be really lazy.” I am. That is not the point though, gym class was awkward. Everyone was at that age where they felt silly playing these stupid games we have been playing since elementary school. It got to the point where people would purposely not “dress out” for gym just to go walk field. Anything was better than staying inside that clammy dungeon of embarrassment. Eventually, too many people stopped to dressing out so our coach decided to stop the whole “dress out” rule and everyone had to start participating. “Dressed out” or not. 

That’s when I decided I had enough of that, and I stopped going to gym class. Yup, I didn’t go to gym class for the entire last half of my sophomore school year. Everyday, I would skip gym class and go to the first lunch of the day, “A” lunch. This continued on and on till the end of the year. Of course I had to go back at the end of the year and take an end of the year exam. I don’t remember what my teacher told me or if he even told me anything. I still some how got credit for the class though.  

• The people 

I always hated walking through the crowed hallways. You would think that after a couple days I would get use to it, and I did. Still hated it. The thing is, I was always a lot shorter than most people. I always had to guess I was going the right way because I could never see over anyone. It was especially hard when having to get to the other side of the hallway during passing period. It was like crossing a really busy street with no stoplights. 

Then when you finally get to class and you settle into your desk, you still have to deal with even more people.

 There was always those kids in class that made you feel so self conscious about yourself because they were considered “cool.” Either they were really loud, of really quiet. They knew they were “popular” though, and they knew other people knew who they were without introducing themselves. Then there was the smart kids that didn’t talk to anyone, or everyone. Then there was the kids who just watched and never interacted, that was my category. 

Let’s fast forward to where I am now. So I decided to take on online school, and I am currently 4 weeks away for finishing. I hope. I’m behind on my assignments right now and I keep hoping and praying that I somehow finish all of this work in time. If I don’t, I would potentially have to start a whole other year and I certainly do not want that. 

Despite the fact that I know I have a lot of work to do, I continue to push it away. Procrastination at it’s finest, I know. I much rather lay in bed and binge watch “Keeping up with The Kardashians.” I do believe that I will get this work done in time though. Despite the fact that I’m behind. I believe that on the last week I’ll probably be cramming in all these assignments in one day just so I can finish on time. I’ll finish, I’m just going to make it hard on myself.

Any ways, think I should stop there. I have to go back and stare at all my overdue assignments and not do a thing about it. Thanks for letting me vomit all over you. 
x